Friday, September 16, 2016

Some 5’s to share…

Five is the equivalent to the sum of two and three; one more than four, or half of ten; 5

For our 5th wedding anniversary, Kevin and I went to Lavaca Bay for a beautiful dinner--He was so dashingly handsome, and I  wore a lovely, strapless red dress. He gave me a diamond drop. I still have it. But now, he’s gone.

Today is the 5th angelversary of Kevin’s passing. 5 years feels like a bit milestone and I want to honor it. Here’s a summary of some of  the things I have learned in my widow’s walk:

  1. Love lasts forever. But it changes. He’s not coming home. For a long time, after Kevin died, I would turn on the TV to watch football (which I hate) after church and make a dip with chips--for no one! Eventually, I figured out that even if I did all this every Sunday, he still wouldn’t come back home. He's gone. Forever. He's never coming back. Ever.
  2. I’m becoming a new person. I’m not who I would be if Kevin were still here. I can’t be. I have to evolve into who I’m supposed to be now. I’m not sure what that looks like. I wonder if he would even recognize me. But I have to change to survive and I’m excited about all the things I’m finding out about me in the rediscovery process of who I am...
    1. I love museums! It had been years since I went to a museum and a friend invited me to join her. As I stood in the lobby of MFAH, I twirled around thinking “I have not been here in years...but I love museums!” I had forgotten. It has been lovely to begin again and rediscover all the things that I like!
    2. I don’t like football or star trek or star wars and I don’t have to watch them. Yea! I can read or listen to music. I can vacuum at 6am if I want to. I never really lived alone, as I married at 21 and went from one home to the other...I have honestly loved some alone time...but it can get very lonely. Very, Very Lonely! I have learned a great deal in the quiet. You have to take time to pray, meditate, and study. Learn who you are and find out what interests you, and motivates you and absorb it.
    3. I’m single, not married. This lesson took FOREVER. Seriously, 1.5 years after Kevin died, I was running errands on a Saturday morning and I realized, all of the sudden...I’M SINGLE! Oh my… I had no idea that I was Single… I knew I was a widow, but not that I was single. I thought I was still married and alone. But I'm not. I'm single, not married.
    4. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’m not sure what that means. I don’t think I want to remarry, but I’m pretty sure I would love to have some male companionship. Dinner and a movie!? But really in your 50s at least, that is really now how it goes. I have had one fairly serious relationship, which taught me that I can care for someone else. It was thrilling and it felt good to care for someone else. I enjoyed caring for someone again. Luckily for me, he was so very different from Kevin, they didn’t compete in my head. Kevin was a cowboy with a huge pickup truck; an avid hunter -fisherman type. The new guy was a professor from NY with a PhD and drives a Mazda Miata It didn’t work out, but I learned a great deal about myself, all the same. This is in no way saying that you have to date, but it does say you have to ask yourself some tough questions. My mother lost her husband, my father, at the age of 53- the exact same age I lost Kevin,  and she told me that I don’t want to be alone for the next 30 years. I think she is right…
    5. I love the new me. I’m not finished, not by a long shot, but I am a work in progress and I like what I see so far! We are the potter’s clay and we are becoming...
  3. My changes affect those around me. I have three grown children, two young grandchildren and I help my Maman and Kevin’s parents and I have a dog named Sadie. I have found that my choices affect all of them. But I have to move forward. I can’t be who I was or even who they think I should be. I have to be the best “new me” I can be and they will have to love me despite of that. Overall, they are very very very supportive. Sometimes they do question me, but I just explain how I got here and they give me room to breathe. I’m so lucky in that regard. My family has been so accepting of my continuous evolution, but I know that many of you have not had the same results. I’m so grateful to have my family and dear friends to help me through the transition from cocoon to butterfly! I'm getting ready to FLY!
  4. I have to build a brave new world. I lost my soul mate. I lost my job. My children are living their lives and their dreams. I need to find, define and measure mine. What are they? How will I get there? How will I know when I arrive there? I keep working on it. Every day, moving forward.
  5. I am learning to enjoy my new life!  I’m beginning to live out loud...There are days that I truly think on who I am now, five years later, and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I have come a long way for sure, but I know not far enough. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m excited to see what it brings for me. The brand new me in this brave new world!

Five, five, FIVE, FIVE, Five. 5 years. Five is the equivalent to the sum of two and three; one more than four, or half of ten; 5.  Sometimes I can barely breathe, but we had a great love that will help carry me forward. It will last us a lifetime. I feel Kevin all around me all the time. I find him when I see pennies in remarkable, unlikely places. I see him in rainbows, and clouds. I can feel his kiss on my cheek when I drive in the sunlight. Sometimes, I sense him reaching down from Heaven to hold me in his arms. I hear him in my children’s laughter and I can see him in my grandchildrens’ eyes. He is with us always. We carry him, We carry him in our hearts. We honor him and we move forward… We move forward into a bright, new future we have yet to fully understand.


  1. Such deep thoughts and great insight, Natalie! Thank you for pouring out your heart. We are all along this journey with you!

  2. Wonderful as always! I felt your heart.