Tuesday, January 20, 2015

2015: A New Year of Beginnings

2015: A New Year of Beginnings

“Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
~Oscar Wilde

I sit on my green sofa in front of my fireplace as my mind races in search of undefined goals and expectations that have not been prepared or announced. The Christmas cards, no strike that, the News Years cards, no strike that... maybe the Mardi Gras cards, sit unattended on my cluttered coffee table along with photos stamps, coffee mugs, cough drops and tissues...the TV is on and I’m watching some movie in my jammies in front of a fire…2015; Wow…another year, another new year without him. Where do I start? I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m behind and I’m overwhelmed. And yet, a spark starts up my dying embers in my fireplace and a flame begins – again – relighting the hearth with love and hope. It begins again and leaps into life licking the logs for fuel, courage, wisdom hope and dreams… I can dream…

The transformation of my life from six years ago to today be unbelievable….
My husband of over 30 years and the father of our three children was diagnosed with cancer, treated, recovered three times and finally surrendered in death.
During that time, one daughter was in Medical school out of state, one daughter became a Physicians’ Assistant and began working at MD Anderson, where my husband received his treatments, and got married, and our son graduated from high school and moved away to college to Flagstaff, AZ.

Since Kevin’s passing, Nicole and Brian had a baby, Claire is finishing up her residency program in Florida, and Christopher is graduating from NAU and looking at Graduate schools…

But what happened to me during that time was the transition? I went from working, wife, mother and caregiver, living with 5 people, and five animals, cooking homemade meals and being the primary breadwinner full time housekeeper; to me and Miss Sadie, our blue merle Aussie. Overnight, I went from a home filled with 5 people and 5 animals to me and a dog! Weird --Just weird, I tell you!

I knew I was a widow pretty fast... in fact the dark realization came the morning after Kevin passed away.  I woke myself up hearing wailing…my wailing! No really, loud wailing -- a noise that I had never heard before, very primitive, like a wounded animal, so guttural and frightening… I had to look around to confirm it was truly coming from me… it was. Sigh. Sad… I would have to learn how to deal with this and move forward… Somehow….Where do I begin… New Beginnings!

After time passed, I remember the first time I went to an art museum with a girlfriend. As I stood in front of the majestic paintings, I thought to myself…”Oh, I forgot, I DO love Museums!” Who am I without him?! Really, I had NO clue!

Several months later, almost two years after Kevin passed away, I was driving down the street by our home running errands when suddenly, out loud I screamed “I’m single…” Who knew?!! Certainly not me! This was big news to me and I was NOT happy about it. All this time, I thought I was still married! A widow, Right, I get it, but still married…but now I realized I was in fact, not only was I a widow, but also single at that! Strange… Really strange! I know this may sound unbelievable to some of you reading this that are not widows… but being a widow is one thing… We figure that out pretty fast… but that we are in fact SINGLE-- no way! We are married women of our husbands who passed away! That’s a totally different story. Until that exact moment… I truly I NO idea that I was in fact Single for the first time in nearly 40 years! OUCH!!!

It took me a long time after that, back on the green couch, to figure out that I wanted to do something about that… So here were my facts: 
      I do love museums…(I should get out more!)
I am single. Although still a mother, daughter, daughter in law and friend…
I am being led by God to start a Modern Widows Chapter in Houston and…
I would like to go to dinner and sit across the table with a man!

Hmmmm what next? New beginnings! Little by little, I started to put my toe into the pool of new life, new courage, hope and love. 

You MUST Make a Choice to take a Chance to make a CHANGE.

As you sit on Your sofa working on YOUR goals and possibly your belated Christmas cards…Promise me this: You will take a chance and do something new…anything new…your choice! Just DO it!
  • Ride a bike!
  • Take a trip!
  • Try a new restaurant … and eat there alone! I dare YOU!
  • Anything else your heart has longed to do but you didn’t think you had the courage to do…Try it!

YOU CAN DO THIS. I know you can. I have faith in you. I BELIEVE in YOU!!!
Become the Woman you were Born to BE! NO ONE ELSE can be YOU… and YOU have to start creating the New YOU! It’s your new beginning… only yours… and no one elses. You get to pick the size, color and shape of the New YOU! Own it my friend! Rock it! Be it! One step at a time, courageous and BOLD become who YOU want to be as the new YOU! BE Yourself!