Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Fall...

                                    Photo by Sherrel Mattison


The Fall...

We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present” Marianne Williamson

Fall. I step out of the safe cocoon of my warm home to take my blue Merle Aussie, Miss Sadie, on her afternoon stroll. I watch the leaves swirl around me in the cold, damp air.  I ponder the color; the meaning of life, of death and the cycle that pushes us forward again…to begin again, to continue to walk, to breathe and draw in the cool air.

As I walk, I think. I see progress in my path and my personal, spiritual journey as well.  I’m starting to “Reclaim” myself; I’m finding myself; my new self. I’m organizing “my” house and taking possession of “my choices”. I’m painting walls, moving furniture, decorating a nursery for my new grandson, Andrew and all those who will follow him someday.  I’m beginning to feel the warmth of  love again in my heart and soul for the first time in a long time…it is growing inside me and I’m terrified!  I’m not sure what to do with all the jumbled up feelings, like the pile of leaves as I walk through my forest of thoughts full of life and all my fears…Death, Life, Love, love lost, love found…all so intermingled, touching, crossing, connecting us to help me see the pattern; read the history and move ahead towards a new life of love and happiness.

Does a new love take away from the old love? My mind races in the wind…I try to understand my feelings, to sort them, like the leaves below my feet, into categories, like colors, red, orange yellow and brown; but it is hard and they get intertwined and mingled and the pile of messiness in my mind grows…

A sudden sharp wind causes me to pull my jacket up around me and tuck my hands into my coat to keep warm… I redirect my path and hurry towards home, Miss Sadie in tow…She loves the cold and is not affected by it. She quickens her step and sniffs all the new scents the wind has blown in to her delight.  She loves unconditionally. She doesn't have any questions or issues. I admire her!  I don’t want to lose what I have found, but I don’t want the new love to take away from my old love. Does it? I don’t know… I question the order of the universe and I question God. I don’t mean to, but sometimes I can’t help it.  I know our steps are ordered. He told me. Nothing comes to me, except by Him, though Him, to me. I trust him; but I’m scared. I feel so alone and I’m cold and lonely…I need to start a new fire to within my fireplace, as well as my heart!

Suddenly, the night comes…fast and hard, and the tears begin.  I miss him so…how do I move forward –from fall to spring—to new life, new purpose, new meaning, new me!? I've met someone new and he loves me, but I don’t know how to manage that. What to do with all the feelings and emotions?  How to accept it and let it in?! How do I incorporate the new life in with the old one?  I feel like I have a stone wall covering my heart; holding me captive of my own feelings. It is not fair; not to him and not to me. Loving him doesn't take away my love for my husband, but if feels out of place, new, strange, uncomfortable. I don’t know how to assimilate it into the new me.

Soon, I see the moon emerge, the stars begin to twinkle, and clouds are racing across a beautiful night sky…going to some undisclosed location in a hurry! Somehow, I feel a part of the universe again. United. Held. Loved and accepted again. I’m a child of God!  While I struggle to find my mission, I know he has a His vision for my life. How do I get there from here?! How can I learn to move forward, to love again, to float across the sky like the clouds do? I don’t know…Finally, my heart answers me: one step at a time! I promise to take one step at a time; one step towards the warm fire in my home, one step towards the love that warms me within, and one step towards the bright, promising future before me. One step at a time… Peacefully, I trust in God to guide me, to lead me, to take me from this fall into my new spring; in my life and in my love, I will trust Him. I believe God!




The Fall...



We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present”  Marianne Williamson

Fall. I step out of the safe cocoon of my warm home to take my blue Merle Aussie, Miss Sadie, on her afternoon stroll. I watch the leaves swirl around me in the cold, damp air. I ponder the color; the meaning of life, of death and the cycle that pushes us forward again…to begin again, to continue to walk, to breathe and draw in the cool air.

As I walk, I think. I see progress in my path and my personal, spiritual journey as well. I’m starting to “Reclaim” myself; I’m finding myself; my new self. I’m organizing “my” house and taking possession of “my choices”. I’m painting walls, moving furniture, decorating a nursery for my new grandson, Andrew and all those who will follow him someday. I’m beginning to feel the warmth of love again in my heart and soul for the first time in a long time…it is growing inside me and I’m terrified! I’m not sure what to do with all the jumbled up feelings, like the pile of leaves as I walk through my forest of thoughts full of life and all my fears…Death, Life, Love, love lost, love found…all so intermingled, touching, crossing, connecting us to help me see the pattern; read the history and move ahead towards a new life of love and happiness.

Does a new love take away from the old love? My mind races in the wind…I try to understand my feelings, to sort them, like the leaves below my feet, into categories, like colors, red, orange yellow and brown; but it is hard and they get intertwined and mingled and the pile of messiness in my mind grows…

A sudden sharp wind causes me to pull my jacket up around me and tuck my hands into my coat to keep warm… I redirect my path and hurry towards home, Miss Sadie in tow…She loves the cold and is not affected by it. She quickens her step and sniffs all the new scents the wind has blown in to her delight. She loves unconditionally. She doesn't have any questions or issues. I admire her! I don’t want to lose what I have found, but I don’t want the new love to take away from my old love. Does it? I don’t know… I question the order of the universe and I question God. I don’t mean to, but sometimes I can’t help it. I know our steps are ordered. He told me. Nothing comes to me, except by Him, though Him, to me. I trust him; but I’m scared. I feel so alone and I’m cold and lonely…I need to start a new fire to within my fireplace, as well as my heart!

Suddenly, the night comes…fast and hard, and the tears begin. I miss him so…how do I move forward –from fall to spring—to new life, new purpose, new meaning, new me!? I've met someone new and he loves me, but I don’t know how to manage that. What to do with all the feelings and emotions? How to accept it and let it in?! How do I incorporate the new life in with the old one? I feel like I have a stone wall covering my heart; holding me captive of my own feelings. It is not fair; not to him and not to me. Loving him doesn't take away my love for my husband, but if feels out of place, new, strange, uncomfortable. I don’t know how to assimilate it into the new me.

Soon, I see the moon emerge, the stars begin to twinkle, and clouds are racing across a beautiful night sky…going to some undisclosed location in a hurry! Somehow, I feel a part of the universe again. United. Held. Loved and accepted again. I’m a child of God! While I struggle to find my mission, I know he has a His vision for my life. How do I get there from here?! How can I learn to move forward, to love again, to float across the sky like the clouds do? I don’t know…Finally, my heart answers me: one step at a time! I promise to take one step at a time; one step towards the warm fire in my home, one step towards the love that warms me within, and one step towards the bright, promising future before me. One step at a time… Peacefully, I trust in God to guide me, to lead me, to take me from this fall into my new spring; in my life and in my love, I will trust Him. I believe God!

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